First of all, good on you for seeking counselling and recognizing that you needed help with that. It's certainly not surprising given what you've been enduring. And believe me, I understand about the "nightly bedroom activity". Your prior experience would have made it very hard for you to even have a normal sex life that soon after.
Secondly, I think it's fair to give him a chance. To see if he is actually willing to make those changes and truly recognizes and accepts responsibility for how he's treated you and your children. There's always a little bit -- okay, well, a lot -- of "Yeah, sure he's going to change." Mine I know would change immediately following an argument, and then go back to his old ways because he never really had any intention to change. He didn't like being told that what he was doing was wrong or that there was a better way, even though the way he was currently doing things hurt me or his son.
I think the celibacy agreement is a good idea. You need to heal from the rape before your marriage and you need the break from him.
It is this kind of situation that a period of separation might be a good thing. It's why, legally, there is a 1-year separation required before you can apply for a divorce in most places. It is hoped that the couples will be able to get the help they need before actually going ahead with the divorce. I think for your sense of physical/sexual security you need to be away from him, and gradually as you heal, and as you see what efforts he's making to change, perhaps come back together slowly and carefully.
There is always the fear that he's only going through the motions to get you back and moment you're back in the house he goes back to the old ways. But, if he really is willing to make that change, you have to at least test that, and if he's successful, your kids also need to see him change (or not). Hopefully, the change will be for real, and your kids will have a chance to heal their relationship with their father and have an example of a father that many kids don't have.
Keep us posted. I believe you will heal from this. It may take time, though, probably longer than you think so be patient with yourself.
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Wow, there's a whole lot in here.
First of all, good on you for seeking counselling and recognizing that you needed help with that. It's certainly not surprising given what you've been enduring. And believe me, I understand about the "nightly bedroom activity". Your prior experience would have made it very hard for you to even have a normal sex life that soon after.
Secondly, I think it's fair to give him a chance. To see if he is actually willing to make those changes and truly recognizes and accepts responsibility for how he's treated you and your children. There's always a little bit -- okay, well, a lot -- of "Yeah, sure he's going to change." Mine I know would change immediately following an argument, and then go back to his old ways because he never really had any intention to change. He didn't like being told that what he was doing was wrong or that there was a better way, even though the way he was currently doing things hurt me or his son.
I think the celibacy agreement is a good idea. You need to heal from the rape before your marriage and you need the break from him.
It is this kind of situation that a period of separation might be a good thing. It's why, legally, there is a 1-year separation required before you can apply for a divorce in most places. It is hoped that the couples will be able to get the help they need before actually going ahead with the divorce. I think for your sense of physical/sexual security you need to be away from him, and gradually as you heal, and as you see what efforts he's making to change, perhaps come back together slowly and carefully.
There is always the fear that he's only going through the motions to get you back and moment you're back in the house he goes back to the old ways. But, if he really is willing to make that change, you have to at least test that, and if he's successful, your kids also need to see him change (or not). Hopefully, the change will be for real, and your kids will have a chance to heal their relationship with their father and have an example of a father that many kids don't have.
Keep us posted. I believe you will heal from this. It may take time, though, probably longer than you think so be patient with yourself.
October 24, 2014 - 7:27amThis Comment
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