Hey there, I couldn't help but relate to most of your stories. My boyfriend and I have been together for 10 months now, and we've really struggled with intimacy. We do not have any children but never the less, it's still hurts to not feel needed and wanted.
My boyfriend and I have good communication, we have discussed this issue time and time again but unfortunately, little good has come of it. Sometimes things are really good and other times our sex life is painfully dry. I am an attractive women, I know I'm good in bed, as is he, but for some reason he has a hard time getting horny and when he does he rarely acts on it. When he does, I believe it's in an effort to keep me satisfied and to avoid an argument. I'm usually the one to initiate and it makes me feel disgusting. I have been noticing more and lately that when I'm at work or out for a while that he will indulge in watching porn. This upsets me because I am always ready and willing and if he would only wait a few hours he could get it. Although I don't believe that is the problem. I personally think that masturbation is healthy to a certain extent. It's good to have alone time with yourself, it allows you to get to know your body and it's importsnt to do things for yourself. But when it comes to my man choosing that over me, it becomes an issue for me as I'm sure you can all understand.
Let me explain to you a few things that have helped me, because if your anything like me, braking up with someone isint always the solution to a problem, especially when there is a child involved and when you are in love. I am a psychology graduate and I have heavily studied this field of psychology. First of all, I know your probably tired of hearing it, but it really isint you. Men often experience performance anxiety, this anxiety causes them to ejaculate prematurely from added pressure, additionally this performance anxiety could be cause by a previous partner who created some sort of confidence issue and this is unfortunately reflected onto your sex life. This is a very good example of why he would rather pleasure himself than have sex with you. He is in control, free to be a quick and selfish as he wants. Men struggle a lot with the inability to get their partner off, if not at all, then on time before they gets off.
Secondly, sometimes men have a mental blockage due to their past. Perhaps something happened as a child or in his past that is causing him to avoid intimacy. There's a possibility that you elicit some sort of flash back or mental cue, maybe it's something you say, or do, or enjoy that throws him off. Trama such as this can have lasting and debilitating effects on men and women. However men seem to have a harder time coping with and getting over this trauma than women do. This is partly because men are taught to be masculine and manly and not to reach out for help or show weakness and women are depicted as submissive and sensitive beings that are supposed to talk and share and deal with their issues. This is a social construct that many people have a hard time with, gender roles can really affect communication in relationships too. I would suggest working on that first and take baby steps towards working out the other kinks. Once you establish an environment he feels safe expressing himself in, other parts of your relationship will start to flourish.
If neither one of these sounds like your situation then consider this last one. People are easily addicted to substances, gambling, and porn included. If he can't seem to stop watching porn there might be a chance that he is addicted. If that is so, there is no wonder why he would rather watch it than have sex with you, porn is at his disposal, the Internet is full of different kinds of porn, women willing to do just about anything, the sky is the limit, seriously! Dont let that make you feel unattractive or undesirable, normal women and organic, genuine sex doesn't look like that, porn is very misleading. He is living In a pretend world and has ruined real, raw and passionate sex for himself and you! No women can hold a candle to a porn star, not in the way men want us to anyways. His problem is psychological, this is not on you my dear, this is something that is 100% his problem.
If anyone would like to talk more to me please write back. I would love to talk. Self disclosure is an amazing way of coping and dealings with these kinds of issues. If anyone has some advice for me I would love to hear it. Hope this was helpful to you all!!
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Hey there, I couldn't help but relate to most of your stories. My boyfriend and I have been together for 10 months now, and we've really struggled with intimacy. We do not have any children but never the less, it's still hurts to not feel needed and wanted.
My boyfriend and I have good communication, we have discussed this issue time and time again but unfortunately, little good has come of it. Sometimes things are really good and other times our sex life is painfully dry. I am an attractive women, I know I'm good in bed, as is he, but for some reason he has a hard time getting horny and when he does he rarely acts on it. When he does, I believe it's in an effort to keep me satisfied and to avoid an argument. I'm usually the one to initiate and it makes me feel disgusting. I have been noticing more and lately that when I'm at work or out for a while that he will indulge in watching porn. This upsets me because I am always ready and willing and if he would only wait a few hours he could get it. Although I don't believe that is the problem. I personally think that masturbation is healthy to a certain extent. It's good to have alone time with yourself, it allows you to get to know your body and it's importsnt to do things for yourself. But when it comes to my man choosing that over me, it becomes an issue for me as I'm sure you can all understand.
Let me explain to you a few things that have helped me, because if your anything like me, braking up with someone isint always the solution to a problem, especially when there is a child involved and when you are in love. I am a psychology graduate and I have heavily studied this field of psychology. First of all, I know your probably tired of hearing it, but it really isint you. Men often experience performance anxiety, this anxiety causes them to ejaculate prematurely from added pressure, additionally this performance anxiety could be cause by a previous partner who created some sort of confidence issue and this is unfortunately reflected onto your sex life. This is a very good example of why he would rather pleasure himself than have sex with you. He is in control, free to be a quick and selfish as he wants. Men struggle a lot with the inability to get their partner off, if not at all, then on time before they gets off.
Secondly, sometimes men have a mental blockage due to their past. Perhaps something happened as a child or in his past that is causing him to avoid intimacy. There's a possibility that you elicit some sort of flash back or mental cue, maybe it's something you say, or do, or enjoy that throws him off. Trama such as this can have lasting and debilitating effects on men and women. However men seem to have a harder time coping with and getting over this trauma than women do. This is partly because men are taught to be masculine and manly and not to reach out for help or show weakness and women are depicted as submissive and sensitive beings that are supposed to talk and share and deal with their issues. This is a social construct that many people have a hard time with, gender roles can really affect communication in relationships too. I would suggest working on that first and take baby steps towards working out the other kinks. Once you establish an environment he feels safe expressing himself in, other parts of your relationship will start to flourish.
If neither one of these sounds like your situation then consider this last one. People are easily addicted to substances, gambling, and porn included. If he can't seem to stop watching porn there might be a chance that he is addicted. If that is so, there is no wonder why he would rather watch it than have sex with you, porn is at his disposal, the Internet is full of different kinds of porn, women willing to do just about anything, the sky is the limit, seriously! Dont let that make you feel unattractive or undesirable, normal women and organic, genuine sex doesn't look like that, porn is very misleading. He is living In a pretend world and has ruined real, raw and passionate sex for himself and you! No women can hold a candle to a porn star, not in the way men want us to anyways. His problem is psychological, this is not on you my dear, this is something that is 100% his problem.
If anyone would like to talk more to me please write back. I would love to talk. Self disclosure is an amazing way of coping and dealings with these kinds of issues. If anyone has some advice for me I would love to hear it. Hope this was helpful to you all!!
December 12, 2014 - 11:49pmThis Comment
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