Hugs, Lisa. This is so complicated, and I know that every level of it is full of emotion for you.
I'm so sorry about your miscarriage. That wasn't very long ago, and I know it has affected everything, especially those old feelings of loss and vulnerability. I am sure that the joy you felt while pregnant -- and the grief you felt at losing the baby -- were both magnified because of your age and your disagreement with your husband about having more children. All that certainly brought up the past, and with it, the feelings and experiences around your previous pregnancy and his leaving.
Let's set aside the issue of your husband's feelings for a moment. You are a mom of three, and you clearly are very devoted to that role. A new baby would have meant that role for you was guaranteed for another 18 (and longer, of course!) years. It made sense, it was wonderful and comfortable. Is it possible that your yearning to have another child is as much about not wanting your role as a mom to "end" in some way as your three kids grow older?
Because your role as mom never ends! It just evolves and changes as your children get older. But it's so important, in all its stages. They would be the first to tell you that.
Are there other areas of your life that you are dedicated to or passionate about? Are there any other roles you cherish? Did you ever have those things that you wanted to do "when the kids got older"?
Or do you see your choices limited? Do you feel like you are needed less and less?
Some of the answers to those questions may help you work through the feelings you're having now about wanting to be a mom again.
I know you said you live in a remote area. Can you talk about that a little bit? Would you feel more alive in a city, where there are more options for you, both now and in the future? Is this sort of move a possibility?
If not, how far away are you from a city? Would counseling even once a month be a possibility? Because I tihnk it would help you soooo much. It helps you stop going over the same ground all the time.
OK. Let's get back to your husband. You are right -- he has every right to decide for himself whether he does or does not want more children. And there is no wrong answer to that question. The fact that he is a good father is awesome -- many "unexpected" dads might not rise to the task as high as he has. I can see that you are thankful for that! But it still doesn't seem to be enough.
When you ask, "Where is the love?" I would have to say that to me, it is there -- but since it falls short of the one thing you want more than anything right now, it seems empty to you. I can understand why he feels you would try to become pregnant -- because you would, right? Not for a reason of deception, necessarily, but just because you see mothering as love and you want to do it so badly.
It feels like the only way to move forward from here -- and actually make progress -- is for the two of you to start with what is common ground and go from there. Would you be interested in some self-help book recommendatiosn about loss, miscarriage, grieving or working through difficult issues in marriage? If so, tell me what city and country you live in and I'll work on the amazon site closest to you.
Do you have a family doctor who you can talk to about possibly being depressed right now?
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Lisa45,
Hugs, Lisa. This is so complicated, and I know that every level of it is full of emotion for you.
I'm so sorry about your miscarriage. That wasn't very long ago, and I know it has affected everything, especially those old feelings of loss and vulnerability. I am sure that the joy you felt while pregnant -- and the grief you felt at losing the baby -- were both magnified because of your age and your disagreement with your husband about having more children. All that certainly brought up the past, and with it, the feelings and experiences around your previous pregnancy and his leaving.
Let's set aside the issue of your husband's feelings for a moment. You are a mom of three, and you clearly are very devoted to that role. A new baby would have meant that role for you was guaranteed for another 18 (and longer, of course!) years. It made sense, it was wonderful and comfortable. Is it possible that your yearning to have another child is as much about not wanting your role as a mom to "end" in some way as your three kids grow older?
Because your role as mom never ends! It just evolves and changes as your children get older. But it's so important, in all its stages. They would be the first to tell you that.
Are there other areas of your life that you are dedicated to or passionate about? Are there any other roles you cherish? Did you ever have those things that you wanted to do "when the kids got older"?
Or do you see your choices limited? Do you feel like you are needed less and less?
Some of the answers to those questions may help you work through the feelings you're having now about wanting to be a mom again.
I know you said you live in a remote area. Can you talk about that a little bit? Would you feel more alive in a city, where there are more options for you, both now and in the future? Is this sort of move a possibility?
If not, how far away are you from a city? Would counseling even once a month be a possibility? Because I tihnk it would help you soooo much. It helps you stop going over the same ground all the time.
OK. Let's get back to your husband. You are right -- he has every right to decide for himself whether he does or does not want more children. And there is no wrong answer to that question. The fact that he is a good father is awesome -- many "unexpected" dads might not rise to the task as high as he has. I can see that you are thankful for that! But it still doesn't seem to be enough.
When you ask, "Where is the love?" I would have to say that to me, it is there -- but since it falls short of the one thing you want more than anything right now, it seems empty to you. I can understand why he feels you would try to become pregnant -- because you would, right? Not for a reason of deception, necessarily, but just because you see mothering as love and you want to do it so badly.
It feels like the only way to move forward from here -- and actually make progress -- is for the two of you to start with what is common ground and go from there. Would you be interested in some self-help book recommendatiosn about loss, miscarriage, grieving or working through difficult issues in marriage? If so, tell me what city and country you live in and I'll work on the amazon site closest to you.
Do you have a family doctor who you can talk to about possibly being depressed right now?
June 16, 2010 - 8:34amThis Comment
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