I remember when i left my last relationship before this current one I'm in. I was on my own for a year and it was miserable. I hated being alone. I only knew what it was like to be with someone and i was completely a mess on my own. I was so scattered, i never finished unpacking my boxes or paying my bills on time. I was allover the place. If you ever saw the movie Breakfast at Tiffanys, that was me. Lost. I was always scared and never was able to stick to something. I found myself being depressed when i woke up at noon, not knowing what to do with myself and then go out and drink all night. I was scared and didnt know what i was scared of. I felt in the end that if i was alone, nothing i did or strived for would matter being I'd die alone anyway and i never believed that there was anything after this life and we're meaningless. Then i met this guy i'm with and i felt grounded again and safe (but scared that i'll lose it one day so i'd try to control it to where i wouldnt lose it and its self prophecy i tell you.) I feel i need someone to ground me so i'm stable. He keeps me on track and sees what i dont see. Ex: paying my bills on time, finishing school, how messy i am, etc. I know i can do the last mentioned on my own but when i'm alone i feel less grounded to do it. I remember i tried going to school on my own and i felt a bit depressed and lonely doing it like i'm in my own world and noone really cares. I feel as if i need to be a part of someone elses life in order to make my own life meaningful. to have someone love me and care about what i do. I dont feel "me" alone is worth doing it for. I don't really have anyone in this world. my dad is too involved with his family and my mom is more cynical than i am and its depressing to be with her. It's so hard to be happy with yourself when you're scattered and don't believe there's a god. I want to believe it more than anything but my doubt gets the better of me. I really love this guy and dont want to destroy this relationship over my own issues. I could have such a happy relationship with him and everyone if i could just be more positive about life.
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I remember when i left my last relationship before this current one I'm in. I was on my own for a year and it was miserable. I hated being alone. I only knew what it was like to be with someone and i was completely a mess on my own. I was so scattered, i never finished unpacking my boxes or paying my bills on time. I was allover the place. If you ever saw the movie Breakfast at Tiffanys, that was me. Lost. I was always scared and never was able to stick to something. I found myself being depressed when i woke up at noon, not knowing what to do with myself and then go out and drink all night. I was scared and didnt know what i was scared of. I felt in the end that if i was alone, nothing i did or strived for would matter being I'd die alone anyway and i never believed that there was anything after this life and we're meaningless. Then i met this guy i'm with and i felt grounded again and safe (but scared that i'll lose it one day so i'd try to control it to where i wouldnt lose it and its self prophecy i tell you.) I feel i need someone to ground me so i'm stable. He keeps me on track and sees what i dont see. Ex: paying my bills on time, finishing school, how messy i am, etc. I know i can do the last mentioned on my own but when i'm alone i feel less grounded to do it. I remember i tried going to school on my own and i felt a bit depressed and lonely doing it like i'm in my own world and noone really cares. I feel as if i need to be a part of someone elses life in order to make my own life meaningful. to have someone love me and care about what i do. I dont feel "me" alone is worth doing it for. I don't really have anyone in this world. my dad is too involved with his family and my mom is more cynical than i am and its depressing to be with her. It's so hard to be happy with yourself when you're scattered and don't believe there's a god. I want to believe it more than anything but my doubt gets the better of me. I really love this guy and dont want to destroy this relationship over my own issues. I could have such a happy relationship with him and everyone if i could just be more positive about life.
September 23, 2010 - 10:49pmThis Comment
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