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EmpowHER Guest

Thank you so much for this. Children of aspies should also know that even though they (usually) mean no harm by the hurtful things they do, it's okay to step out of the way, take care of yourself, and even cut contact if necessary.

I made excuses for my dad's behavior for decades -- it was obvious he wasn't mean, just incredibly hurtful without any concept of what he was doing, and either angry or shrugging if it was brought up to him. If he couldn't see a problem, it wasn't his problem. When he started maltreating my daughter, though, and then refused to help out in any way when I became a single mom (because he couldn't see why he should, even after having watched his own parents help his sister and nephew), *and* wanted me to cater to his needs when and how he felt like having family show up, I realized he'd burned through the last of my goodwill, and that I just don't owe him anything. All his emails were doing was reminding me of how he'd treated me, my daughter, my brother. So I cut off contact, told him not to contact me and why, and of course he did anyway as soon as he felt it was important, so I did something I usually do only for trolls: I set his email to delete. I was in peace for most of a year.

I forgot to lock down my work email, though, so I got a birthday message with an explanation about how he accepts but doesn't understand or approve my not contacting him (this from the guy who'd vanish for months at a time), and that he wants me to accept birthday wishes because birthdays are the holiday that are important to him. And it's just...sad. He really cannot see outside himself. I thanked him and immediately locked down that account, too.

He's getting on and yes, I know he will need help and that he'll be his own worst enemy in getting it. I also know that it's not his fault. But the help isn't going to come from me. I've had more than enough to do raising and supporting my daughter on my own, after essentially raising myself. And he has enough money to hire help.

Don't feel guilty about taking care of yourself. There's no need.

August 20, 2015 - 8:55pm


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