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Anonymous (reply to Jody Smith)

Thank you for actually replying (and so quickly)! I feel like I keep trying reaching out, but it is always into darkness.

I would assume since you wrote this article that you come from a similar situation? I know that there are hardly any resources for NT children with AS parents, but I'm curious for any information you do have. I'm still in the phase of discovery. I really want to understand my mother and to have an actual conversation with someone who knows what all of this feels like. I reached out to the only Autism and related disorders support group that I could find in my community, and the person who wrote back to me basically told me that as a NT child, realizing my mother had Aspergers was impossible. I've emailed psychologists that specialize in AS in my area and one answered, but it always feels short and sometimes condescending.

Everything in this article makes absolute sense with who I am. Near the end of it, all I could do was cry, because it hit so close to home. I always felt like life had just dealt me an unfortunate hand--having a mother that was so emotionally negligent, and having no regard for my emotional problems what-so-ever. I look at my friends' mothers and it is hard for me not to feel resentful. I've never felt the freedom to run to my mother with my troubles and find a hug and some solace waiting there. As a child, it is hard not to take that to heart and for it to feel very personal... and that is something that stays with you and is constantly in the back of your mind. From an early age, I made a vow to myself that I would be a better mother, if I should ever have children. I sought out counseling for various reasons, most concerning my mother... but while going I felt like it was hopeless, because my mother would always be my mother and nothing would ever change that. I don't know what made me realize that my mother could possibly have AS, but something told me that I should do some research one night, and I listened. And by some miracle, everything that I found was so in tune with who my mother is... things I didn't even realize could be related to a disorder.

I'm only 22, and I feel fortunate enough to have realized this so early in my life. But now I am stuck in this NT child/AS parent purgatory and I feel so lost. I have been avidly searching the internet for some sign that I am not alone... I knew there had to be others who shared in a similar situation.

To clarify (for my own sake, I guess), I love my mother. Even before realizing all of this, I knew that was truth. And I know my mother loves me in her own way... but it isn't a way I understand. Since realizing all of this though, I have felt such an overwhelming sense of relief. It is easier to take a step back look and see all of the pain from my past in a new light, but it doesn't make the pain from them easier. I am currently in this limbo of when/how to tell my mother what I suspect, as I know she will not take it well.

Sorry, I feel like I just wrote a novel! Having someone reply to me is such a relief that I couldn't hold any of this in, I guess. I have been emailing like crazy trying to find some peace of mind.

May 3, 2012 - 4:56pm


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