Anon2 here again. I'm sorry things didn't go as smoothly as you had hoped, Anon1. It sounds as though your family is trying to be supportive in some way (even if it feels like they're messing it up). Maybe you could explain to them that it's very difficult for you to share this information, because they know who this person is, and see how they respond to that. Ask them what they would do if you told them it was someone close to them. Someone they knew. As you have decided to leave your family, it might not make matters much worse to tell them. And at least you'd get it out in the open. As alison b suggested, you don't want to let fear (of what unpleasant thing might happen) drive you into a corner. It's hard to stand up for yourself and put yourself out there when you feel so vulnerable; but there is something to be said for just coming out with it, and let whatever happens, happen. You do have the strength to get through this, either way.
I didn't get the supportive reaction I was hoping for from my parents; but I didn't/wouldn't want to leave important things unsaid. I don't regret telling my parents. Their reaction was difficult for me for a while, but in a way, it was my freedom. My family had many other issues that influenced their response. Telling them and letting the situation play out helped me see that. And it got me out of years of pretending. You may decide not to tell your family after all, but I agree there is some value in letting them know why you're taking the steps you're taking. There may be some relief in refusing to carry this burden alone. You didn't do anything wrong, so why should you be ashamed? If they don't see that, it's their problem. If they act like jerks, it's on them. Try not to take it personally.
I definitely agree a counselor would be very helpful to you as you try to sort things out. She could help you come up with a plan for telling them, if you decide to go that route; and as alysiak said above, help you understand and deal with your fears surrounding the whole thing.
As you consider having a relationship in the future, you will have feelings to sort out (both from the rape, and from your invasive family experience). You mentioned your friend is interested in having a relationship later on down the road. I think it may be best to do some work sorting through your feelings before embarking on a serious relationship, though. The decisions we make when we are fearful or in emotional pain are sometimes different from the ones we make as happy, healthy people.
Give yourself lots of time to adjust from this situation. Your friend may not fully realize what space and time you'll need. I say this from my own personal experience, which may not be like yours, but I'll share it anyway, in case it's helpful--it's best if you feel "free" to grow and recover from this, instead of obligated or dependent. Personally, I went from one unhealthy family relationship to a fairly troubled romantic relationship. A lot of this trouble came from needing to learn what a healthy relationship is, since I had not seen it modeled in my home (the family relationships I had seen were dependent, manipulative, and even abusive). I thought I knew what a loving relationship was--but I didn't. I didn't even realize my view of relationships was so skewed until I went in to counseling. Just saying, give yourself plenty of time before you jump into anything serious. When you feel the loss of family, it's easy to rush to replace it with someone else--but the people we choose to have in our lives when we emerge from a healthy relationship are sometimes flawed in ways similar to our family. Again, this may be more related to my personal situation than yours. I just recommend giving yourself lots of breathing room as you sort things out.
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Anon2 here again. I'm sorry things didn't go as smoothly as you had hoped, Anon1. It sounds as though your family is trying to be supportive in some way (even if it feels like they're messing it up). Maybe you could explain to them that it's very difficult for you to share this information, because they know who this person is, and see how they respond to that. Ask them what they would do if you told them it was someone close to them. Someone they knew. As you have decided to leave your family, it might not make matters much worse to tell them. And at least you'd get it out in the open. As alison b suggested, you don't want to let fear (of what unpleasant thing might happen) drive you into a corner. It's hard to stand up for yourself and put yourself out there when you feel so vulnerable; but there is something to be said for just coming out with it, and let whatever happens, happen. You do have the strength to get through this, either way.
I didn't get the supportive reaction I was hoping for from my parents; but I didn't/wouldn't want to leave important things unsaid. I don't regret telling my parents. Their reaction was difficult for me for a while, but in a way, it was my freedom. My family had many other issues that influenced their response. Telling them and letting the situation play out helped me see that. And it got me out of years of pretending. You may decide not to tell your family after all, but I agree there is some value in letting them know why you're taking the steps you're taking. There may be some relief in refusing to carry this burden alone. You didn't do anything wrong, so why should you be ashamed? If they don't see that, it's their problem. If they act like jerks, it's on them. Try not to take it personally.
I definitely agree a counselor would be very helpful to you as you try to sort things out. She could help you come up with a plan for telling them, if you decide to go that route; and as alysiak said above, help you understand and deal with your fears surrounding the whole thing.
As you consider having a relationship in the future, you will have feelings to sort out (both from the rape, and from your invasive family experience). You mentioned your friend is interested in having a relationship later on down the road. I think it may be best to do some work sorting through your feelings before embarking on a serious relationship, though. The decisions we make when we are fearful or in emotional pain are sometimes different from the ones we make as happy, healthy people.
Give yourself lots of time to adjust from this situation. Your friend may not fully realize what space and time you'll need. I say this from my own personal experience, which may not be like yours, but I'll share it anyway, in case it's helpful--it's best if you feel "free" to grow and recover from this, instead of obligated or dependent. Personally, I went from one unhealthy family relationship to a fairly troubled romantic relationship. A lot of this trouble came from needing to learn what a healthy relationship is, since I had not seen it modeled in my home (the family relationships I had seen were dependent, manipulative, and even abusive). I thought I knew what a loving relationship was--but I didn't. I didn't even realize my view of relationships was so skewed until I went in to counseling. Just saying, give yourself plenty of time before you jump into anything serious. When you feel the loss of family, it's easy to rush to replace it with someone else--but the people we choose to have in our lives when we emerge from a healthy relationship are sometimes flawed in ways similar to our family. Again, this may be more related to my personal situation than yours. I just recommend giving yourself lots of breathing room as you sort things out.
Take care.
August 31, 2009 - 10:47pmThis Comment
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