I'm so sorry you're in this situation. My brother molested me when I was young (under age 10), and I too lived with shame for many years. I was 17 before I told my mother. My brother is like your cousin--he was adored in the family and could do no wrong. My mother was sympathetic to me at first, but later came to blame me. She called me a liar, and then she said I tempted him (I know, it doesn't make sense, but it's what she said). It was horrible. My family's solution was to ignore it, even to the point of forcing me into situations where I would be around my brother, which they knew would make me uncomfortable. "Get over it" seemed to be their attitude. That bothered me so much I broke from the family, ended up in a not-so-great relationship (somewhat as an escape from them), then went into counseling, and now I am okay; but I don't have a relationship with my family anymore. In my situation, it just felt wrong to pretend it all didn't happen.
If you want your abuse revealed:
Has your cousin admitted to YOU what he did? Or does he just pretend it never happened? Is it possible to get him to talk about it, with a trusted relative hiding somewhere nearby to hear him confess to it (and also for your own protection). Could another one of your cousins have been raped by him as well? Can you ask them vaguely if he's ever done anything strange around them, and see if it gets them talking? (If they don't volunteer the information that he did something to them, you can play it off--just tell them forget about it, nevermind.) What he did to you was wrong. And it's even worse if this is his pattern of behavior within the family--sometimes it is. It may be an opportunity to protect other young women in your family, as well as yourself, to make it known this is what he does.
Even if he does admit it, you're right--there's no telling how the rest of the family will handle it. My brother did admit to the abuse intially, but somehow the situation was twisted over the years to being my fault as a "temptress." (An accusation which is crazy, by the way--that's just not me, especially after what I went through.) I'd encourage you to seek resources to help you deal with their response--rape crisis centers, your local women's health center, or counseling. Some will let you seek services anonymously.
If you want to keep it to yourself:
I guess that's okay, if it's what you want to do. I obviously did not choose to do that--so I must confess it seems a little unhealthy to me, but I understand that each person's circumstances are different. I just felt like I wanted to get it out there. You have to do what is right for you.
I think I'd only use "not telling" as a coping mechanism for getting through the next year or so until you move on with your life. Then get some support from a counselor--don't keep it bottled inside. Personally, I needed to get it "out there" and process it in order not to feel creeped out by men and dating. I went through a long period of feeling mistrustful and just weird around guys. Not to mention, I had a lot to sort through, emotionally speaking, regarding my family's response.
You are the best judge of what to do. Just consider that if your family doesn't know, and doesn't protect you from him, it might put you in a dangerous situation with this cousin--you'd want to avoid him as much as possible. However, as you said, some families actually turn on the girl in this situation. I watched those news reports of that little immigrant girl who was gang raped by boys from her home country with disbelief at the news reporters saying her family's desire to disown her was related to her home country's attitudes--I wanted to shout out, "It happens here, too! It's not just something that happens to people from 'foreign' places with 'foreign' ideas. It happened to me--my family has been here for centuries." It's really unfair.
I don't know how else to advise you except to tell you to take care of yourself. Do whatever you need to do to be okay. You aren't alone. It's not your fault. And as someone who was made a "black sheep" by my situation, I want to tell you that it will be okay. Just because they don't treat you right, doesn't mean you're not deserving of being treated with love and respect. If anything, it reflects on what kind of people they are.
As for being a virgin, yes, I think you should consider yourself a "virgin" at heart. Before you have sex with another guy, I'd recommend you go to a gynecologist and get yourself checked out (tell them what happened, and that you just want to make sure you're okay), and get some counseling to be sure you can identify a healthy relationship (sometimes, when we're raped as kids, we get to feeling like we're damaged or somehow less--and it's just not true, NOT TRUE, at all--but we risk ending up with people who'll treat us bad again). Don't feel like you have to tell anyone what happened. If you're healthy, that's all that should matter to them. Personally, my first sexual experience was with someone I did feel comfortable telling (I kind of went into "full truth mode" after I confessed to my mother--I'd been hiding things so long). He understood--only I DID NOT like when he asked about it further. He was kind of nervous and stupid about it. I think it was only important for me to share it because I was still really dealing with flashbacks when trying to make a connection with him. If it wasn't on my mind at all, I probably wouldn't have mentioned it to him.
I wish you the best. It can be a tough road, but please know that you're not alone, and this is not your fault.
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I'm so sorry you're in this situation. My brother molested me when I was young (under age 10), and I too lived with shame for many years. I was 17 before I told my mother. My brother is like your cousin--he was adored in the family and could do no wrong. My mother was sympathetic to me at first, but later came to blame me. She called me a liar, and then she said I tempted him (I know, it doesn't make sense, but it's what she said). It was horrible. My family's solution was to ignore it, even to the point of forcing me into situations where I would be around my brother, which they knew would make me uncomfortable. "Get over it" seemed to be their attitude. That bothered me so much I broke from the family, ended up in a not-so-great relationship (somewhat as an escape from them), then went into counseling, and now I am okay; but I don't have a relationship with my family anymore. In my situation, it just felt wrong to pretend it all didn't happen.
If you want your abuse revealed:
Has your cousin admitted to YOU what he did? Or does he just pretend it never happened? Is it possible to get him to talk about it, with a trusted relative hiding somewhere nearby to hear him confess to it (and also for your own protection). Could another one of your cousins have been raped by him as well? Can you ask them vaguely if he's ever done anything strange around them, and see if it gets them talking? (If they don't volunteer the information that he did something to them, you can play it off--just tell them forget about it, nevermind.) What he did to you was wrong. And it's even worse if this is his pattern of behavior within the family--sometimes it is. It may be an opportunity to protect other young women in your family, as well as yourself, to make it known this is what he does.
Even if he does admit it, you're right--there's no telling how the rest of the family will handle it. My brother did admit to the abuse intially, but somehow the situation was twisted over the years to being my fault as a "temptress." (An accusation which is crazy, by the way--that's just not me, especially after what I went through.) I'd encourage you to seek resources to help you deal with their response--rape crisis centers, your local women's health center, or counseling. Some will let you seek services anonymously.
If you want to keep it to yourself:
I guess that's okay, if it's what you want to do. I obviously did not choose to do that--so I must confess it seems a little unhealthy to me, but I understand that each person's circumstances are different. I just felt like I wanted to get it out there. You have to do what is right for you.
I think I'd only use "not telling" as a coping mechanism for getting through the next year or so until you move on with your life. Then get some support from a counselor--don't keep it bottled inside. Personally, I needed to get it "out there" and process it in order not to feel creeped out by men and dating. I went through a long period of feeling mistrustful and just weird around guys. Not to mention, I had a lot to sort through, emotionally speaking, regarding my family's response.
You are the best judge of what to do. Just consider that if your family doesn't know, and doesn't protect you from him, it might put you in a dangerous situation with this cousin--you'd want to avoid him as much as possible. However, as you said, some families actually turn on the girl in this situation. I watched those news reports of that little immigrant girl who was gang raped by boys from her home country with disbelief at the news reporters saying her family's desire to disown her was related to her home country's attitudes--I wanted to shout out, "It happens here, too! It's not just something that happens to people from 'foreign' places with 'foreign' ideas. It happened to me--my family has been here for centuries." It's really unfair.
I don't know how else to advise you except to tell you to take care of yourself. Do whatever you need to do to be okay. You aren't alone. It's not your fault. And as someone who was made a "black sheep" by my situation, I want to tell you that it will be okay. Just because they don't treat you right, doesn't mean you're not deserving of being treated with love and respect. If anything, it reflects on what kind of people they are.
As for being a virgin, yes, I think you should consider yourself a "virgin" at heart. Before you have sex with another guy, I'd recommend you go to a gynecologist and get yourself checked out (tell them what happened, and that you just want to make sure you're okay), and get some counseling to be sure you can identify a healthy relationship (sometimes, when we're raped as kids, we get to feeling like we're damaged or somehow less--and it's just not true, NOT TRUE, at all--but we risk ending up with people who'll treat us bad again). Don't feel like you have to tell anyone what happened. If you're healthy, that's all that should matter to them. Personally, my first sexual experience was with someone I did feel comfortable telling (I kind of went into "full truth mode" after I confessed to my mother--I'd been hiding things so long). He understood--only I DID NOT like when he asked about it further. He was kind of nervous and stupid about it. I think it was only important for me to share it because I was still really dealing with flashbacks when trying to make a connection with him. If it wasn't on my mind at all, I probably wouldn't have mentioned it to him.
I wish you the best. It can be a tough road, but please know that you're not alone, and this is not your fault.
August 1, 2009 - 7:55pmThis Comment
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