Dear Anon, may I ask you why you moved in with your girlfriend? Was it because you felt this relationship would evolve into a more serious commitment? Was it guilt about the abortion? or Was i about financial advantages?
You are not in this age category but a recent study revealed that two-thirds of college students have been in a "friends with benefits" relationship, citing the lack of commitment required as the main advantage to such an arrangement. Is it possible that both of you may be in this category? Was the decision to move in together more more than a reason to be closer and have more sex?
I am not an expert but from what I understand about relationships it appears to me that generally men are more fearful of choosing the wrong woman to commit to than they are of commitment itself. The fear is finding themselves "locked" down - legally or logistically - when the "real" thing comes along. The logic among men is simple: it's hard to find the love of your life when you are already married. Are you planning to marry this woman? Have you talked about this possibility?
You did not mention anything about your desires to settling down with a her, but let's assume that it has crossed your mind when you made the decision to move in with her. I am wondering if you are not feeling confident in your choice of her as a potential wife (or viceversa). In addition, you both share a tough decision (the abortion) which may need months of healing and couseling for both of you. Whose idea was to have the abortion? Is she blaming you for not preventing it and instead she may have expected to get a ring and a date?
It also sounds to me that both are experiencing a sense of realization that your may not be meant for each other, at least not at this time. And although living together is a low risk proposition for both, you may want to consider giving yourselves some space. If you think you love this woman, staying together will allow you to know her more closely as the partner you will have for the rest of your life, if that is your intent. But if you have not talked about marriage by now, one of you has an already seeded fear that this relationship will not work out which in a way was confirmed by the mutual decision to terminate the pregnancy. You both need to be honest and talk about any fears and individual expectations about this relationship to be built on a stronger ground.
Sex is not everything when two come together to "experiment" with a life that requires a deeper commitment at all levels of your being. You can choose to reach out to her and encourage dialogue, you can pretend nothing is wrong, or you can continue feeling inadequate about your manhood. The decision to build a healthy or toxic relationship belongs to both of you. I also think that counseling may help, but she needs to come to terms with the termination of the pregnancy which is a traumatic event for many females and has a potential to leave an emotional scar.
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Dear Anon, may I ask you why you moved in with your girlfriend? Was it because you felt this relationship would evolve into a more serious commitment? Was it guilt about the abortion? or Was i about financial advantages?
You are not in this age category but a recent study revealed that two-thirds of college students have been in a "friends with benefits" relationship, citing the lack of commitment required as the main advantage to such an arrangement. Is it possible that both of you may be in this category? Was the decision to move in together more more than a reason to be closer and have more sex?
I am not an expert but from what I understand about relationships it appears to me that generally men are more fearful of choosing the wrong woman to commit to than they are of commitment itself. The fear is finding themselves "locked" down - legally or logistically - when the "real" thing comes along. The logic among men is simple: it's hard to find the love of your life when you are already married. Are you planning to marry this woman? Have you talked about this possibility?
You did not mention anything about your desires to settling down with a her, but let's assume that it has crossed your mind when you made the decision to move in with her. I am wondering if you are not feeling confident in your choice of her as a potential wife (or viceversa). In addition, you both share a tough decision (the abortion) which may need months of healing and couseling for both of you. Whose idea was to have the abortion? Is she blaming you for not preventing it and instead she may have expected to get a ring and a date?
It also sounds to me that both are experiencing a sense of realization that your may not be meant for each other, at least not at this time. And although living together is a low risk proposition for both, you may want to consider giving yourselves some space. If you think you love this woman, staying together will allow you to know her more closely as the partner you will have for the rest of your life, if that is your intent. But if you have not talked about marriage by now, one of you has an already seeded fear that this relationship will not work out which in a way was confirmed by the mutual decision to terminate the pregnancy. You both need to be honest and talk about any fears and individual expectations about this relationship to be built on a stronger ground.
Sex is not everything when two come together to "experiment" with a life that requires a deeper commitment at all levels of your being. You can choose to reach out to her and encourage dialogue, you can pretend nothing is wrong, or you can continue feeling inadequate about your manhood. The decision to build a healthy or toxic relationship belongs to both of you. I also think that counseling may help, but she needs to come to terms with the termination of the pregnancy which is a traumatic event for many females and has a potential to leave an emotional scar.
June 3, 2009 - 10:05pmThis Comment
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