I am not a doctor, but I am a husband and I found the fact that he actually asked how you were doing (relationship-wise) is very telling. He must care about you and your relationship in some way or he wouldn't have asked you that. My guess is that he is frustrated with his situation (who could blame him) and he acts out on you because you are the one that is there. You said he yelled at other people as well which tells me that it isn't JUST you that he is venting on.
My wife and I have developed a couple of techniques that may help you - I'll throw them out there and you can do with them what you will.
Like you, I am very sensitive to being yelled at no matter what the reason. My wife used to be much more emtional than she is now and used to take some of her frustrations out on me; I didn't like it. So I tried something new - it was pretty scary but it worked very well. I stayed calm (very important) and simply asked, "Why are you yelling at me?" It made her stop in her tracks and realize what she was doing. I usually got an immediate apology and the confrontation ended. Her heightened awareness of what she had been doing reduced the number of times it happened.
Asking such a simple question will give the confidence you need to stand your ground and let him know how you feel. The most powerful thing you can do when talking about it is to remain calm; try distancing yourself from the situation mentally and look upon it as a third person would. I think he will find it to be pretty scary.
Sometimes when I am frustrated about something it is tempting to yell at her, but I don't and one of the main reasons is that I know I won't get away with it. Perhaps some of his venting on you is because it's easy to do since you don't react. If you ask him that question it may help stop the abuse.
The other thing we do, which might have helped you when he asked about your relationship, is we preface an uncomfortable discussion with, "Put on your adult hat." I recently wrote an article about it - perhaps it would help you. https://www.empowher.com/news/herarticle/2009/06/05/stress-arguments
This is all easy for me to say, I know; life on the front lines is much different than in the peanut gallery, but these things work well for us. Perhaps they will work for you as well.
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I am not a doctor, but I am a husband and I found the fact that he actually asked how you were doing (relationship-wise) is very telling. He must care about you and your relationship in some way or he wouldn't have asked you that. My guess is that he is frustrated with his situation (who could blame him) and he acts out on you because you are the one that is there. You said he yelled at other people as well which tells me that it isn't JUST you that he is venting on.
My wife and I have developed a couple of techniques that may help you - I'll throw them out there and you can do with them what you will.
Like you, I am very sensitive to being yelled at no matter what the reason. My wife used to be much more emtional than she is now and used to take some of her frustrations out on me; I didn't like it. So I tried something new - it was pretty scary but it worked very well. I stayed calm (very important) and simply asked, "Why are you yelling at me?" It made her stop in her tracks and realize what she was doing. I usually got an immediate apology and the confrontation ended. Her heightened awareness of what she had been doing reduced the number of times it happened.
Asking such a simple question will give the confidence you need to stand your ground and let him know how you feel. The most powerful thing you can do when talking about it is to remain calm; try distancing yourself from the situation mentally and look upon it as a third person would. I think he will find it to be pretty scary.
Sometimes when I am frustrated about something it is tempting to yell at her, but I don't and one of the main reasons is that I know I won't get away with it. Perhaps some of his venting on you is because it's easy to do since you don't react. If you ask him that question it may help stop the abuse.
The other thing we do, which might have helped you when he asked about your relationship, is we preface an uncomfortable discussion with, "Put on your adult hat." I recently wrote an article about it - perhaps it would help you. https://www.empowher.com/news/herarticle/2009/06/05/stress-arguments
This is all easy for me to say, I know; life on the front lines is much different than in the peanut gallery, but these things work well for us. Perhaps they will work for you as well.
June 19, 2009 - 11:17amThis Comment
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