I am going through this as well. My husband has been diagnosed with End Stage Renal Disease (ESRD is about kidney failure and having to be on dialysis for the rest of his life or else die within a short time, so basically a "terminal illness" which "leads to death" as Social Security calls it! I have found out in a very short period of time (after I got him through all crisis and emergencies and arranged for his ongoing dialysis treatments 3 times a week), that I do not feel I can cope with this situation. He is NOT the person I married. I know it's "about the disease", but I do not enjoy being made to suffer by him (which he admits). This feels mean, cruel, wicket, and maybe even evil to me what he is "doing" to me, even if it's just because he's angry that he's got ESRD. He told me he feels "stupid" because he KNEW he had a kidney disease when we married and even though the "told me about it" and says he "didn't know it would come to this", I still feel he "knew MORE than I did" and I still NOW feel (and agree with him and his family) that he should've taken more responsibility for HIMSELF and took care of himself and maybe NOT considered getting remarried (to me, which was 3 and half years ago). We BOTH decided it was the right thing to do for us, to "start a new life", but looking back, I do not believe I knew ENOUGH about what I was "getting myself in for". He would probably say that I knew, but I'm saying I didn't know enough to be able to make the best, qualified decision about marrying him, because I don't think I would have (and I personally think he knows that). I almost feel "tricked", but not completely saying I was, but I still say he knew more than me and he also knew it would be bad for him not to follow his care routine and it was his choice to not do so, so now here we BOTH are. He knows it's causing me to be very badly triggered with my depression/anxiety/PTSD from which I've suffered for most of my life and especially after I had lost my 20 year old son to a van accident on his way to work in 2002 and have had a very hard life on grief processes due to my son's death, also due to bad childhood, etc. HE knew ALL about me and also that I have been in recovery program for MANY years and dealth with MY issues. He, however, has NOT (but I thought he had, until this sickness came up). There had already been decline in intimacy before he was diagnosed, but I blew over it because I knew he "wasn't feeling good" in general and that he was working fulltime (he has now lost his job due to ESRD). I realize this is all about his anger at ESRD and his ego, etc. as a man; however, I do not feel I wish to put up with this from him (bad attitude), as well as I feel I already had way TOO MUCH stress, horrible things, traumas, crisis, happened to me in my life already at 52 years. He is sometimes civil in attitude, but I never know when he will be a wicked jerk next. He knows he is better off and in BEST situation to stay married to ME, but the thing is, I DO NOT FEEL THE SAME, we are NOT on the same page anymore. This is first time we have disagreed in 3 and half years on our marriage. He is not coping well and I do not feel I will be able to cope much longer, but also I DO NOT WANT TO LEARN TO COPE AT ALL ANYWAY! I am not interesting in any longer suffering in misery for the rest of my life. The disease has ruined things altogether. I am not mad at him for being ill even if he didn't take care of himself so much as I just do not want to "go through this" for the rest of my life, never knowing if we can pay bills, his bad attitude coming and going and me not expecting him to "change" since I know things will NEVER be the same again, nor "normal". I never got to have a "normal" life and I do want that before I die in my gaining age of years. I have MUCH stress in my life now and I do not see the point of even WHAT this "marriage" is anymore anyway? What are we together for if except for me to "be there" for him when there is NO WAY that I will ever "get my needs met" in ANY way whatsoever any longer from my spouse. This situation is ONLY good/best for him, not for me, in my opinion. I always went along with everyone else before in my life regardless of me, what I wanted or not, how I felt/thought or not, now I just don't want to be that way or have that sort of life anymore. This was not why I got married and he nor our life will ever be the same again. I realize this is grief process. I do not deny or run (although I want to). But I do want to be REAL and TRUE. Since he knows he's causing me suffering and he stays anyway because he is taking care of his own needs, then it only makes sense to me to take care of my own needs as well. Again, what is point of marriage if both people have to be autonomous? Is it only for both to have a roof and money? It's certainly not for intimacy or for counting on the spouse anymore. Is it for companionship? What is a companionship/friendship if I never know what he is going to do next or how things are going to get paid for or work out or anything else really? I've asked myself "am I the horrible person" question until I feel myself completely worn out, stressed, and almost going out of my mind. He is driving me mad, this situation. Absolutely I feel myself going toward the edge SO many times that I feel I will have ANOTHER nervous breakdown, just as I did 12 years ago. This scares me somewhat. My daughter is very worried about me and so are a couple of my friends who know what all I've been through in life with horrible things happening (not all MY fault, such as my son's death). I learned a new way of thinking and life for myself and I made that, but now I feel I made ANOTHER mistake when I married my husband now, even though I felt I was doing right at the time. I think if I had known I would be abused by his son and daughter-in-law when we first got married and also that he had this bad of stage of kidney disease, that I wouldn't probably have married him. I do feel he is at least partially responsible for that. I also feel he is responsible for not taking care of himself. I also feel he is responsible for staying with me now because it's best for HIM but not for me, although he says he wants to work small jobs to pay off the debt I now have due to having incurred that debt since I got married to him because he couldn't do entirely what he said he would do and I had to take on debt to make sure we had what we needed as I couldn't find a job for a couple years. Now I am in very hard position to quickly get a job enough to pay for at least all my bills so I can have a car to drive to a job I hope someone gives me! I don't know how things will go with him for working small jobs and that is very hard to live with, the not knowing. I can live with it somewhat, but not to where I completely get demolished in mind, body, spirit, finances, etc. He has put me in horrible position and life and I hope it will be over with soon, this position I'm in. I don't know how, when, what, but I do hope and pray SOMETHING happens soon to change this situation, as I can't do anything about it at the moment because I have to at least find job first. Meantime, I live in hell and trying to make the most of it and I am NOT rude, ugly, mean, disrespectful, or anything else negative to my husband. I am a nice person and I intend on staying that way. He, I don't know, but I don't like who he is now and I told him this nicely and he denies it completely. He refuses to get any help at all for himself. I am trying to help myself by staying with recovery and support group, journaling, talking with a couple friends, looking for work for myself, etc. I feel I need out of this, but I don't know if/when/how that's going to happen or not. I hope I will be OK, I'm trying and doing my best each day. I feel myself in not good shape at all and I think this is about his mental attitude since he is on treatments, taking his meds, and following his diet properly now (even though he has been very angry and nasty about it). I understand that, but still, how much can I cope with? Is this some sort of "test"? Is this my "payment" for marrying him (making a mistake?) Am I bad person for not wanting this life? Am I bad because I am NOT 'in love' with him? I feel I am just biding my time until I can (hopefully) get out, to be perfectly honest. I don't know how that is going to happen at all. I also don't know how much longer I can go on this way. I feel him very mean now. I feel triggered to being nervous about/around him with his attitude. I also remind myself to not be intimidated by him either. We come from different countries and he is ONLY here in USA because of ME and he does NOT want to go back to Great Britain because he knows he's got better life here in USA (cost of living) and that he would take his double-loss if he went back and his family will not "support" him in any way I don't think, and neither does he (they don't want him, they are happy for me to have him on my hands!) His first wife left him when he had Guillame-Barre' Syndrome which he recovered from and when he told HER he had kidney disease she left him, then he met ME and I just feel he "diminished" it or somehow "let me believe" but not to the degree that if I said that to him now, he would say, "yes, but you DID know I have had kidney disease", but somehow this just doesn't feel exactly right to me. I have learned to "trust myself" and now I feel HE is "being selfish". I really do. I know he has to NOW "take care of himself" and "try to get back to some normalcy", BUT how all this is affecting ME and I don't think he is all too much considering about how I feel much at all (because he doesn't think he can afford to financially/emotionally/physically/geographically?!) This is a very hard and complicated situation for me indeed. There are SO many angles to it and layers and areas. It is very much driving me around the twist in my mind trying to keep it all straight. I JUST WANT AND NEED SOME RELIEF! This has been only 3 months, but feels like 3 years already. I can hardly see myself in this for 3 years more as I already had 3 years until now being married to him, but now this. It's horrible, I can tell anyone that much.
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I am going through this as well. My husband has been diagnosed with End Stage Renal Disease (ESRD is about kidney failure and having to be on dialysis for the rest of his life or else die within a short time, so basically a "terminal illness" which "leads to death" as Social Security calls it! I have found out in a very short period of time (after I got him through all crisis and emergencies and arranged for his ongoing dialysis treatments 3 times a week), that I do not feel I can cope with this situation. He is NOT the person I married. I know it's "about the disease", but I do not enjoy being made to suffer by him (which he admits). This feels mean, cruel, wicket, and maybe even evil to me what he is "doing" to me, even if it's just because he's angry that he's got ESRD. He told me he feels "stupid" because he KNEW he had a kidney disease when we married and even though the "told me about it" and says he "didn't know it would come to this", I still feel he "knew MORE than I did" and I still NOW feel (and agree with him and his family) that he should've taken more responsibility for HIMSELF and took care of himself and maybe NOT considered getting remarried (to me, which was 3 and half years ago). We BOTH decided it was the right thing to do for us, to "start a new life", but looking back, I do not believe I knew ENOUGH about what I was "getting myself in for". He would probably say that I knew, but I'm saying I didn't know enough to be able to make the best, qualified decision about marrying him, because I don't think I would have (and I personally think he knows that). I almost feel "tricked", but not completely saying I was, but I still say he knew more than me and he also knew it would be bad for him not to follow his care routine and it was his choice to not do so, so now here we BOTH are. He knows it's causing me to be very badly triggered with my depression/anxiety/PTSD from which I've suffered for most of my life and especially after I had lost my 20 year old son to a van accident on his way to work in 2002 and have had a very hard life on grief processes due to my son's death, also due to bad childhood, etc. HE knew ALL about me and also that I have been in recovery program for MANY years and dealth with MY issues. He, however, has NOT (but I thought he had, until this sickness came up). There had already been decline in intimacy before he was diagnosed, but I blew over it because I knew he "wasn't feeling good" in general and that he was working fulltime (he has now lost his job due to ESRD). I realize this is all about his anger at ESRD and his ego, etc. as a man; however, I do not feel I wish to put up with this from him (bad attitude), as well as I feel I already had way TOO MUCH stress, horrible things, traumas, crisis, happened to me in my life already at 52 years. He is sometimes civil in attitude, but I never know when he will be a wicked jerk next. He knows he is better off and in BEST situation to stay married to ME, but the thing is, I DO NOT FEEL THE SAME, we are NOT on the same page anymore. This is first time we have disagreed in 3 and half years on our marriage. He is not coping well and I do not feel I will be able to cope much longer, but also I DO NOT WANT TO LEARN TO COPE AT ALL ANYWAY! I am not interesting in any longer suffering in misery for the rest of my life. The disease has ruined things altogether. I am not mad at him for being ill even if he didn't take care of himself so much as I just do not want to "go through this" for the rest of my life, never knowing if we can pay bills, his bad attitude coming and going and me not expecting him to "change" since I know things will NEVER be the same again, nor "normal". I never got to have a "normal" life and I do want that before I die in my gaining age of years. I have MUCH stress in my life now and I do not see the point of even WHAT this "marriage" is anymore anyway? What are we together for if except for me to "be there" for him when there is NO WAY that I will ever "get my needs met" in ANY way whatsoever any longer from my spouse. This situation is ONLY good/best for him, not for me, in my opinion. I always went along with everyone else before in my life regardless of me, what I wanted or not, how I felt/thought or not, now I just don't want to be that way or have that sort of life anymore. This was not why I got married and he nor our life will ever be the same again. I realize this is grief process. I do not deny or run (although I want to). But I do want to be REAL and TRUE. Since he knows he's causing me suffering and he stays anyway because he is taking care of his own needs, then it only makes sense to me to take care of my own needs as well. Again, what is point of marriage if both people have to be autonomous? Is it only for both to have a roof and money? It's certainly not for intimacy or for counting on the spouse anymore. Is it for companionship? What is a companionship/friendship if I never know what he is going to do next or how things are going to get paid for or work out or anything else really? I've asked myself "am I the horrible person" question until I feel myself completely worn out, stressed, and almost going out of my mind. He is driving me mad, this situation. Absolutely I feel myself going toward the edge SO many times that I feel I will have ANOTHER nervous breakdown, just as I did 12 years ago. This scares me somewhat. My daughter is very worried about me and so are a couple of my friends who know what all I've been through in life with horrible things happening (not all MY fault, such as my son's death). I learned a new way of thinking and life for myself and I made that, but now I feel I made ANOTHER mistake when I married my husband now, even though I felt I was doing right at the time. I think if I had known I would be abused by his son and daughter-in-law when we first got married and also that he had this bad of stage of kidney disease, that I wouldn't probably have married him. I do feel he is at least partially responsible for that. I also feel he is responsible for not taking care of himself. I also feel he is responsible for staying with me now because it's best for HIM but not for me, although he says he wants to work small jobs to pay off the debt I now have due to having incurred that debt since I got married to him because he couldn't do entirely what he said he would do and I had to take on debt to make sure we had what we needed as I couldn't find a job for a couple years. Now I am in very hard position to quickly get a job enough to pay for at least all my bills so I can have a car to drive to a job I hope someone gives me! I don't know how things will go with him for working small jobs and that is very hard to live with, the not knowing. I can live with it somewhat, but not to where I completely get demolished in mind, body, spirit, finances, etc. He has put me in horrible position and life and I hope it will be over with soon, this position I'm in. I don't know how, when, what, but I do hope and pray SOMETHING happens soon to change this situation, as I can't do anything about it at the moment because I have to at least find job first. Meantime, I live in hell and trying to make the most of it and I am NOT rude, ugly, mean, disrespectful, or anything else negative to my husband. I am a nice person and I intend on staying that way. He, I don't know, but I don't like who he is now and I told him this nicely and he denies it completely. He refuses to get any help at all for himself. I am trying to help myself by staying with recovery and support group, journaling, talking with a couple friends, looking for work for myself, etc. I feel I need out of this, but I don't know if/when/how that's going to happen or not. I hope I will be OK, I'm trying and doing my best each day. I feel myself in not good shape at all and I think this is about his mental attitude since he is on treatments, taking his meds, and following his diet properly now (even though he has been very angry and nasty about it). I understand that, but still, how much can I cope with? Is this some sort of "test"? Is this my "payment" for marrying him (making a mistake?) Am I bad person for not wanting this life? Am I bad because I am NOT 'in love' with him? I feel I am just biding my time until I can (hopefully) get out, to be perfectly honest. I don't know how that is going to happen at all. I also don't know how much longer I can go on this way. I feel him very mean now. I feel triggered to being nervous about/around him with his attitude. I also remind myself to not be intimidated by him either. We come from different countries and he is ONLY here in USA because of ME and he does NOT want to go back to Great Britain because he knows he's got better life here in USA (cost of living) and that he would take his double-loss if he went back and his family will not "support" him in any way I don't think, and neither does he (they don't want him, they are happy for me to have him on my hands!) His first wife left him when he had Guillame-Barre' Syndrome which he recovered from and when he told HER he had kidney disease she left him, then he met ME and I just feel he "diminished" it or somehow "let me believe" but not to the degree that if I said that to him now, he would say, "yes, but you DID know I have had kidney disease", but somehow this just doesn't feel exactly right to me. I have learned to "trust myself" and now I feel HE is "being selfish". I really do. I know he has to NOW "take care of himself" and "try to get back to some normalcy", BUT how all this is affecting ME and I don't think he is all too much considering about how I feel much at all (because he doesn't think he can afford to financially/emotionally/physically/geographically?!) This is a very hard and complicated situation for me indeed. There are SO many angles to it and layers and areas. It is very much driving me around the twist in my mind trying to keep it all straight. I JUST WANT AND NEED SOME RELIEF! This has been only 3 months, but feels like 3 years already. I can hardly see myself in this for 3 years more as I already had 3 years until now being married to him, but now this. It's horrible, I can tell anyone that much.
April 8, 2009 - 10:32amThis Comment
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