My husband has progressive MS and we separated 14 months ago.
He's had MS since 1995. I never thought I would leave an ill spouse, but our marriage had always been difficult. He was abusive (verbally and sometimes physically for many many years). I actually left him previously (2005) but came back because I was afraid to be alone ( we are married over 35 years) and I felt very guilty about leaving him with a progressive illness.
But so much happened over the years I found I could not get to a peaceful place being married to him. The MS was I suppose the straw that broke everything, as I saw myself as caregiver to a man who I felt never really loved me -- in so far as we had had a sexless marriage for 25 years, he never would talk about us, and never wanted kids. I was full of resentment over the way he treated me in the past and even though he had stopped the worst abuse several years ago, there was no emotional conection. I begged him many times to go to counselling but he refused, often telling me that there was nothing he could do for me and that I should go if I couldn't be happy in the marriage because he needed a partner who could be "up" about things.
Finally I when I was feeling suicidal everyday I went to my mothers and told him I couldn't do this anymore. He promptly hung up on me and did not communicate with me for a year.
Since March of this year I have been going over to see him occasionally. He treats me cordially but there is no real love there -- at least none I can sense. He says I betrayed him by leaving and that he never thought this would happen to him. He lives alone in our house because he refuses to hire help, except for grocery deliveries and gardening, snow shovelling etc. I know he falls sometimes and that he is having more and difficult managing, but he doesn't discuss reconciling with me and I don't want to go back to a marriage to someone who really has no deep feelings for me and hasn't even asked me if there was a way we could fix things.
But I also agonize about the future. What will happen to him? How will I feel if he passes away , or had to go into assisted living? Will I be able to leave behind guilt and have any kind of a life?
It seems it's like "Sophie's Choice" -- no outcome that leaves me or him with any real happiness.
Maybe I will end of back with him in the end. Only ten or 20 more years to go -- maybe I can die first , and probably will.
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My husband has progressive MS and we separated 14 months ago.
He's had MS since 1995. I never thought I would leave an ill spouse, but our marriage had always been difficult. He was abusive (verbally and sometimes physically for many many years). I actually left him previously (2005) but came back because I was afraid to be alone ( we are married over 35 years) and I felt very guilty about leaving him with a progressive illness.
But so much happened over the years I found I could not get to a peaceful place being married to him. The MS was I suppose the straw that broke everything, as I saw myself as caregiver to a man who I felt never really loved me -- in so far as we had had a sexless marriage for 25 years, he never would talk about us, and never wanted kids. I was full of resentment over the way he treated me in the past and even though he had stopped the worst abuse several years ago, there was no emotional conection. I begged him many times to go to counselling but he refused, often telling me that there was nothing he could do for me and that I should go if I couldn't be happy in the marriage because he needed a partner who could be "up" about things.
Finally I when I was feeling suicidal everyday I went to my mothers and told him I couldn't do this anymore. He promptly hung up on me and did not communicate with me for a year.
Since March of this year I have been going over to see him occasionally. He treats me cordially but there is no real love there -- at least none I can sense. He says I betrayed him by leaving and that he never thought this would happen to him. He lives alone in our house because he refuses to hire help, except for grocery deliveries and gardening, snow shovelling etc. I know he falls sometimes and that he is having more and difficult managing, but he doesn't discuss reconciling with me and I don't want to go back to a marriage to someone who really has no deep feelings for me and hasn't even asked me if there was a way we could fix things.
But I also agonize about the future. What will happen to him? How will I feel if he passes away , or had to go into assisted living? Will I be able to leave behind guilt and have any kind of a life?
It seems it's like "Sophie's Choice" -- no outcome that leaves me or him with any real happiness.
Maybe I will end of back with him in the end. Only ten or 20 more years to go -- maybe I can die first , and probably will.
July 11, 2011 - 2:21pmThis Comment
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