Thank you Pat and Diane for your comments and questions. Honestly, it feels very strange to be able to talk about this and not have people judge me or frankly, just not want to know what I really go through each day. Like I said earlier I am still learning how to balance things and make time or steal time for myself. It is a constant cycle and I don't think that will ever change.
Recently I have been feeling scared and overwhelmed of the fact that I could be doing this for the next 30 years. That combined with his occasional outbursts (at the MS..., but it still feels like it is at me) and our kids growing up, I wonder if I am doing right by myself and by our children by keeping the family unit together. Where do we draw the line....? I have had too much of a taste of normalcy with my 'out of family' excursions, and I can't imagine living this life for another 30 years. I have begun thinking that a 2 year plan might be in order. During these two years, I need to evaluate things at every level, try to engage him in real conversation and decide what it is exactly that I want - in order to remain here. I need to plan, however, as if I may not stay, which means saving money for a departure at some point and developing a plan that we can communicate on, focus on kids, etc and develop a plan for his long-term care.... This has given me some focus and something to hold on to, to grasp for the future... even if I don't have any clear answers for the time at the end of these two years yet.
After some wine one evening and some careful sharing with one of my best friends, I shared with her my thoughts on the two years. She is aware of our situation better than anyone I think and she also knows about my excursions. While she has been very supportive of me having friendships outside our marriage, she really freaked out at the idea of me bailing on this marriage at any point in the future. The conversation quickly became about me sticking it out to the end... in a way that I could be proud of myself at 85 or whatever... that I stuck it out and took care of him. ! Wha? really? Where do we draw the line - for our own sanity, for our kids sanity? How come it is okay for a women to leave an abusive husband, but not an ill husband who engages in abusive fury... the next day I just told here to forget that I brought it up and was just venting over some wine. She was very happy to forget about the convesation.
If i choose to leave at some point, I will not know how to do it. I will need help, support, etc... but will have to be prepared to lose most of 'our' friends in the process. All this anxiety and I am only beginning the evaluation period....!
I am curious what people think of using a 2 yr plan to focus myself on.... to save money, plan and prepare for making a decision to stay or leave at the end of those 2 years?
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Thank you Pat and Diane for your comments and questions. Honestly, it feels very strange to be able to talk about this and not have people judge me or frankly, just not want to know what I really go through each day. Like I said earlier I am still learning how to balance things and make time or steal time for myself. It is a constant cycle and I don't think that will ever change.
Recently I have been feeling scared and overwhelmed of the fact that I could be doing this for the next 30 years. That combined with his occasional outbursts (at the MS..., but it still feels like it is at me) and our kids growing up, I wonder if I am doing right by myself and by our children by keeping the family unit together. Where do we draw the line....? I have had too much of a taste of normalcy with my 'out of family' excursions, and I can't imagine living this life for another 30 years. I have begun thinking that a 2 year plan might be in order. During these two years, I need to evaluate things at every level, try to engage him in real conversation and decide what it is exactly that I want - in order to remain here. I need to plan, however, as if I may not stay, which means saving money for a departure at some point and developing a plan that we can communicate on, focus on kids, etc and develop a plan for his long-term care.... This has given me some focus and something to hold on to, to grasp for the future... even if I don't have any clear answers for the time at the end of these two years yet.
After some wine one evening and some careful sharing with one of my best friends, I shared with her my thoughts on the two years. She is aware of our situation better than anyone I think and she also knows about my excursions. While she has been very supportive of me having friendships outside our marriage, she really freaked out at the idea of me bailing on this marriage at any point in the future. The conversation quickly became about me sticking it out to the end... in a way that I could be proud of myself at 85 or whatever... that I stuck it out and took care of him. ! Wha? really? Where do we draw the line - for our own sanity, for our kids sanity? How come it is okay for a women to leave an abusive husband, but not an ill husband who engages in abusive fury... the next day I just told here to forget that I brought it up and was just venting over some wine. She was very happy to forget about the convesation.
If i choose to leave at some point, I will not know how to do it. I will need help, support, etc... but will have to be prepared to lose most of 'our' friends in the process. All this anxiety and I am only beginning the evaluation period....!
I am curious what people think of using a 2 yr plan to focus myself on.... to save money, plan and prepare for making a decision to stay or leave at the end of those 2 years?
June 21, 2010 - 5:38pmThis Comment
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