The loss of a child is worse and sadder than anything I had ever imagined. I was three months along when my baby's heart stopped beeting and four months along when I had to enduce my miscarriage. Taking those pills because my body wouldn't let go of the life that was no longer inside me was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. The excruciating pain was nothing compared to the sorrow I felt. Fathers day just passed and my husband is away at boot camp. I wanted to say something to haim about it, but there was nothing. There is nothing about fathers day that is happy for him. Although we were almost parents, we never had the parenting expirience. Every little family I see, I envy. I hate myself for it, but I can't help it. I wonder every day Why. Why did God bless me with this tiny creature inside my body, just to allow for my baby to be taken from me. The night that my child's heartbeat seised, I had a dream that I went for my ultra sound and I was informed that I was no longer pregnant. I woke up horrified and scared. I prayed with a friend and a couple days later, I had my ultra sound. No heart beat. We prayed against it. People say that God has his own plan and that the timing just wasn't right. I know everything's in God's hands, but it's still so hard! I think of my baby everyday! And knowing that for some reason, I couldn't keep my baby alive haunts me.. I'm terrified to try again. I don't see how I could bear this again. There is no silver lining to this cloud, no matter what doctors and otrher people say.
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