Your situation is not unique, unfortunately. I'm sure someone will ask whether you've sought counseling; but, I'd be willing to wager your husband would scoff it off. The problem is that it takes the both of you to work things out together; but the lack of communication and what sounds like your fear of him stand in the way.

Know that you have a right to your thoughts and feelings. You also have a right to be happy and feel like your marriage is a partnership, not a prison.

I found this article on this site and I hope there's something in it that can help you:

Mutual Resentment in Marriage Can Be Deadly
http://empowher.com/news/08/02/08/mutual...

I also found this information:

Marital Abuse quiz
http://www.crescentlife.com/psychtests/m...

Domestic Abuse
http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Types/faces....

I also hope you can find the courage to voice your feelings and concerns to your husband and work things out so that you're communicating with each other. Or, you'll need to go to Plan B, whatever that means to you.

kwolek21,

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm honored you shared it with me and I'm hoping to be of help.

One of the most important things a happy, successful marriage needs are two people willing to work on their relationship. It takes open, honest communication.

What keeps you from expressing your feelings to your husband?

I know you mentioned his mental & verbal abuse, but I didn't read physical abuse. So, what keeps you from sharing with him how his mental and verbal abuse makes you feel?

Often sharing releases 90% of the side effects and your husband has a right to know how he can make your life better, healthier and happier. If you're able to share with him, he would then have the option to make changes and those changes could make your life easier.

I'll look forward to hearing from you. Will you please reply back to me? I hope you do.

Your new friend.

-Todd

Open communication with your husband about what you're feeling may help your situation. If you don't feel you're at a point where you can speak with him, you may find validation and jumping off points for your conversation in these sources:
The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Do you feel you're at a point where you can have a conversation with your husband?

Why are you still married to him? Are there enough good qualities about him to make you think there is hope or that he will change, or are you too scared to leave? I grew up in a verbally abusive household and it was awful. The worst part was that when we would go to family functions and we were required to act like nothing was wrong. It really eats at you and twists your perception of what is true and what is false. Do what you have to do to get strong -- you aren't crazy.

You need to leave. He will progressively get worse and eventually turn physical. Trust me I am speaking from experience. Get out while you can. He will beg, plead, cry, tell you he will get help. He will even get beter, but it will be temporary, and even worse when he starts back up.

hi!
I am so sorry that you don't feel like your husband listens to you; at the very least, it does not sound like a healthy relationship...at the very worst, it sounds like a relationship with emotional and mental abuse (as you described).

Abuse does not need to be physical to be abuse. Abuse happens in all forms, and are all devastating and soul-breaking. Abuse includes mental, emotional, sexual, social, financial, physical, etc. Abuse can be social isolation ("he is jealous when I go out with my friends"). You describe him as "paranoid"; can you describe this more?

The National Center on Domestic & Sexual Violence has THE BEST information...and it is positive and empowering...not just the "scary stuff". Please know that leaving an abusive situation takes some planning, as these are the times when abuse can escalate into physical violence (even if he has not physically harmed you in the past; the abuser often knows just the right amount of power and control needed for each situation).

There is an Equality Wheel, that may help you determine what you are looking for in a relationship, partnership and marriage. Read over this, and write back. Does your marriage contain these fundamental elements?

http://www.ncdsv.org/publications_wheel....
(Scroll down to "Equality Wheel")

Also, the Power and Control Wheel is very useful in gauging what type of abuse is going on in your relationship. It helped me get out of a bad situation in a previous relationship 15+ years ago.

http://www.ncdsv.org/publications_wheel....
(Scroll down to "Power and Control Wheel")

Another idea is to call your local Women's Shelter. You can talk with someone there about what specifically you are experiencing; it does not have to be all out physical fights for them to support you; mental and emotional abuse are not the ideal situation for you to be living with, day after day. There is no commitment to do anything about your situation when you call; they are a good "sounding board" from a 3rd party who cares and can listen.

To find one a Women's Shelter in your state, go to:
http://www.womenshealth.gov/Violence/sta...

If you are in a situation that you need immediate assistance, be sure to call 911 from a neighbor's house, or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH) at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

Please look at the Power and Control Wheel, as well as the Equality Wheel, and tell us what you think; what helped and what didn't. We can continue being a "sounding board" for you, too! We'll be thinking about you!!

Hello! I am currently in a simular situation.My husband tries to control me! He gets angry when I try to stand up for myself.We have 3 daughter's and the 3rd daughter is 9 months old we haven't had sex in over a year and a half because he thought me being pregnant was disgusting.He now says that I am fat(i wear a size 6) I used to wear a 3-4. I don't have any stretch marks it looks as if I haven't had a child at all.But that is way of trying to make me insecure.He was charged with physical abuse before and went to counseling but since he can't put his hands on me, he uses verbal and mental abuse.I just started my own business and he tries to leave me at home with the kids to keep tabs on me.I can't network because I am left at home with the kids.Also, he telss me how he hopes my business fails and I am sorry! I wash all of the clothes, cook, clean and he doesn't do anything I also work at an orthodontic office 3 days a week in order to start my business.(it used to be 5 days a week) everytime we argue he always say that he pays the rent but I pay the 600 daycare and my carnote cellphone diapers some food and other things. he was caught cheating and caught a disease recently but of course that was my fault! I don't know how but he said that I don't support him. he was out of work for 2 years and I took care of things but you know how double standards work! I was on maternity leave and he treated me as if I had no right to be home! he leaves stuff all around the house and tells me it is my place to clean up after him because he pays the rent!I am fed up, I am leaving!

Hi,

I am so glad you reached out to us! It is difficult to imagine living with a person day-after-day who is verbally, emotionally, financially, physically and socially abusive.

You mentioned that you are "fed up" and "leaving", and as I posted in my last response, please know that leaving an abusive situation takes some planning, as these are the times when abuse can escalate into more physical violence (your husband has already resorted to physical violence, and he likely knows just the right amount of power and control needed for each situation).

I urge you to call your local Women's Shelter. Here is how to find one in your state: http://www.womenshealth.gov/Violence/sta...
Please email me (private message) and I can help you find a shelter in your state if you need assistance. Write us back and let us know what the shelter says; you do not have to stay with them, but they have hotlines that help.

Here is a Safety Planning List for leaving:
http://www.womenshealth.gov/violence/pla...

Or, you can call The National Domestic Violence Hotline; they can be reached 24 hours a day, 7 days a week at 800-799-SAFE (7233) and 800-787-3224 (TTY). When you call, you will first hear a recording and may have to hold. Hotline staff offer crisis intervention and referrals. If requested, they connect women to shelters and can send out written information.

The Women's Health website Violence Against Women is helpful. If the person you love or live with does any of these things to you, it's time to get help:
* monitors what you're doing all the time
* criticizes you for little things
* constantly accuses you of being unfaithful
* prevents or discourages you from seeing friends or family, or going to work or school
* gets angry when drinking alcohol or using drugs
* controls how you spend your money
* controls your use of needed medicines
* humiliates you in front of others
* destroys your property or things that you care about
* threatens to hurt you, the children, or pets, or does hurt you (by hitting, beating, pushing, shoving, punching, slapping, kicking, or biting)
* uses or threatens to use a weapon against you
* forces you to have sex against your will
* blames you for his or her violent outbursts

(Another red flag to know if you are in an abusive relationship is when the woman is controlled or abused--physically or verbally--during pregnancy. This is a time when the abuse may escalate, as the abuser feels threatened by the pregnancy and baby).

- Have you made any plans to leave with your children?
- Have you made previous attempts to leave?
- Do you have family nearby?
- Have your children ever been hurt or threatened?

You do not have to live in a controlling environment; there is help, support and understanding. I hope you make the call to the national or local hotline soon; you are in control of your future!

Take care,
Alison B

I have been married for over a year. I don't feel like sharing my inner feelings openly to my husband as he takes it negatively; he says i don't have skills to communicate; I never say anything with an intention of hurting anyone or mean negative but he interprets it wrong. I am not myself now. He thinks that it is an irony for me that I am a social worker, is religious because I always speak ill and cannot communicate positively. He says that I am stubborn. I am rigid; I live far from my family; I miss my parents and sisters and want to stay near to them but he's male ego creates a barrier; I feel very insecure; he has threatened to leave me thrice unless I don;t change my behaviour; returning back of daughter to maternal home is negay=tively percieved in our culture.

I'm sorry your husband is making you feel like you do. How ironic to tell someone else that their communication skills are are bad when they clearly have problems in that area themselves!

Where are you from originally? You mention that if you return to your maternal home, you will be perceived negatively - can you explain a little more to us about your cultural background? And please feel free to privately message someone if you'd prefer. We're here to help and would love to help you more. I know how coming from a different culture and all the resulting expectations can make life difficult, especially if you don't have the support you need at home.

Please keep in touch with us.